I am Fershur

So today was my birthday, and to much surprise, there was nothing special. The whole day I could only think about one thing… err person. For some reason I thought that maybe today, I would get a chance. I have no idea why. I mean, it’s just a normal day. There’s nothing special about birthdays. Yeah you were born however many years ago today, but what does that mean in real life? Same thing with Christmas. I know I’m gonna feel the same way then. I also know that the same thing will happen… NOTHING. It’s kind of depressing when you realize that all you believed when you were a child, that on these days anything could happen, really means nothing. I guess that’s growing up. It sucks. I can’t even express what I would do for a time machine. To go back and fully enjoy the times I’ve had. To be with the girl that I can’t get out of my head, to be totally in the moments like when she was lying next to me, looking into her eyes, holding her… I hate this feeling. I also hate the fact that every time I try to get past her, try to move on, it just falls through. N o t h i n g, nothing ever seems to work out for me. My favorite line from My Only Escape. And thats all I’m left with every night, besides these memories, nothing. I try to take these mistakes and learn from it. I try to move on. I try. This is nothing to concern yourself about. It’s just me venting. And I prefer to vent to someone or something that doesn’t talk back. I don’t want to hear what I should be doing, because I know, and I’ve tried that. Believe me. I just need to work things out for myself. It’s a long process, but It’s just how I deal with shit. Like my mom. It’s killing me but I’m not gonna let it hold me back. She’s always on my mind, in my heart, and all around me. It helps to think that way, that way I don’t need to stop, fall to my knees and pray, I can just speak and she’ll hear me. And hope she can help. Even when she doesn’t, I know she tried, and knowing that makes me feel better about it. Not all things are possible. But some things are, and I have a long life full of problems to ask her for help. So I’ll take what I can get. That’s it. Thanks for humoring me.
Edit:
I think that’s why I sleep till 4 in the afternoon, so theres less day for me to have to deal with the shithole that is my life. So don’t wake me if I’m dreaming.